Is it Friday yet?

I gamed for seven hours last night.

I've also been in near constant contact with Friday. And, holy shit are we ever looking forward to our first date. He's already staked his claim on a bi-weekly date night. *crossing fingers* here's hoping.

FOUR dates coming up this week.

And I’m getting my period.

Shit.

I kinda didn't think about that.

Okay, so, on with it then!

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Seriously, I can't even begin to stress how much my mental health has improved since I started gaming in the evenings. There is literally nothing I don't feel infinitely better about, including Bran.

 - Writing - Chapter 7 bitches! I'm so on this!!

I've scored two more beta readers. One on Scribophile and one off. The one on Scrib is returning crits since I've started reading his works, which I really like. He's a very promising author. Mixes tenses and actions to the wrong speaking character a lot, but that's okay. He's obviously still learning. I made so many of the same mistakes when I was just starting out too. I love it that he has a gay and struggling character too. The gay in a small town and not out with it already might be trope, but SO many gay kids go through that… I find it very relatable.

My off-scrib beta reader is Friday. He had some complications last night when he was intending to start Torvus, though. So, hopefully he'll get to it soon.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - I feel pretty good this morning, in spite of 7 hours, 53 minutes, *4*x awake, 17x restless, total of *53* minutes awake/restless. This is why I go to bed at 11 and have my alarm set for 8. I lose almost an hour a night to being either awake or restless.

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy stopped by yesterday. He spent most of his time with the Unicorn. But I visited him in my bedroom and gave him some pets and cuddles. He gave me some kisses on my forehead. He's very loving.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Fuck you addiction! It's going to be 3 today! HAH!

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I feel better today.

*shrug*

Don't ask me why… I'm more confused by it than anything else. All I know is that when I was going to bed last night I was having a conversation in my head, explaining how I'd fallen out of love with Bran. I was sharing how much I DID NOT WANT to be out of love with Bran. In that mental dialog, I could feel that dark hole in my chest where Bran used to be.

This morning that hole is gone.

*shakes head*

Yeah, no clue.

Not one damn, stinking clue!!

Not arguing with it, though!!

If I can somehow find the strength to still be in love with Bran, I'll take it! Again, Bran has done NOTHING WRONG. It's only my own weakness in the face of all this separation and pain that's making me falter here. So, if I'm somehow finding the strength somewhere… I'm in.

I'm all in.

 - The Unicorn - We watched a couple of episodes of Angel before she headed home to Jerkdad's. We watched the episode where Angel and Wesley are dancing at Cordelia's party in the ending credits. The Unicorn LAUGHED her little head off!! It was spectacular!

Do you know she tears up during the title sequence for Angel? Every time!

She says the moody cello and the images just fit with Angel's back story so well that it just makes her cry. Every frakkin time!

Okay, process that for a second.

My kid cries over Joss.

I have literally done so much right here. When it comes to the proper geek parenting. I've not dropped that ball. Not once. I'm SO proud of myself and I'm even more proud of her.

I love her so much.

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Code Name - The Giver: I'm pretty sure I wasn't doing the sweetie reports when this encounter happened, so I'm taking one from last January (I think) and reporting on it now.

    - 1) good company: He's a chef in his waking life, so I made him my white chicken chili. He enjoyed it.

    - 2) good conversation: Oh please, this was months ago, I can't remember what we talked about.

    - 3) good snuggles: This is the good part. This one is a total GIVER, hence the code name. He's only into inflicting pleasure and he's very passionate about it.

You know how hard it is for me to just let go and let someone take care of me? It's so hard for me to see my self as being worthy of that kind of attention. But, there he was… I was naked, face down, and he was working my favorite massage oil into every inch and sore muscle of my back.

It was difficult… but I feel I took it well…

It's hard for me because I don't want to seem selfish. But, I also know that's his thing, the giving. It would be an insult to refuse him. So, taking with honor is the best way to give back.

    - 4) good sex: Did I forget to mention that he was naked too? *big smile* Oh yeah. So, this entire time that he's working that oil into my skin, his hard cock is just resting against the separation in my ass cheeks.

And then he just made this one… really intense, fluid motion with his hips and he was inside me.

I'm not kidding.

All cock.

Hands free, no guiding that missile into place.

Keep in mind, I'm hard to find. My tipped uterus puts the opening of my vagina in an unexpected place, so guys are usually aiming for my ass when they're coming at me from behind like that.

Not the Giver.

All cock.

All hitting home…

And, yeah… he was amazing. Not super aggressive, but aggressive enough for me to really know that he was there.

The reason I'm mentioning him now?

He's been texting me a little bit lately. Even mentioned wanting to come back a few times. Finally actually came around to asking for a date. He'd asked about tonight, but I'm already taken. He's coming over tomorrow, though.

Now, we just have to get around the fact that I might be bleeding by then.

Dammit!

Why did I have to come out of the death spiral right when I was about to get my period?!

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - HEY!! He checked in last night!

You know how I've been afraid to check in with him because I've been afraid of losing him already? He did have a good date, but it sounds like they're still 'waiting to see what happens', so not to serious yet. He's still going to be available to get me through the horror of the 3rd. He even told me he's going to take me out to the other 'better' ramen shop!! OMG - RAMEN!! And naked snuggles.

Survival.

It's all about survival right now.

I need to make it through the 3rd.

That's the next milestone.

Once I'm past that, I'll pick a new survival point.

 - Rain - I'm really sad that our date for yesterday got canceled. But, not to worry, I still love Rain. My feelings for him aren't going anywhere. I trust him and I know he needs me to need him. We're okay.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - the Giver… He'll be upgraded to Sweetie here pretty soon.

 - The Hopefuls - Okay, so in addition to the Giver there are three other dates scheduled for this week. But no one has me more excited than Friday.

Relationship-wise, Friday isn't necessarily my ideal. I genuinely prefer to date only single men. Friday is long-term with a small child in the mix. But, hey, I broke that for Jasper, so there's no reason why I shouldn't be able to break that for Friday too. Another similarity between Friday and Jasper is that they're both about an hour's drive away from me, and that's NOT where the similarities end.

Remember how losing Jasper as a lover was like taking an auger to the chest for me?

Yeah.

Short reminder as to why:

Jasper pinned my wrists to the bed and said "You can resist me all you want." - He did this with zero coaching from me. He never asked me what I liked. He just knew. He knew I liked it rough and he knew I liked to edge around that kind of forceful encounter play.

I want to clarify that my 'forced encounter' fantasies are tied to my self-esteem issues. It's a psychological thing that stems from my being told I was fat, ugly, and no boy would ever want me as a child. I was raised to believe that anyone who ever expressed any desire towards me was lying and only trying to trick me.

So, my mind built up this fantasy around someone beautiful wanting me so much that he wouldn't even risk taking no for an answer. Hell, the first real sex scene in Torvus is practically a forced sex scene. My female is magickally roofied, bound to a bed, and then kissed and teased until she gives in and begs to be fucked.

Okay, so I've known since Jasper that I REALLY need a lover who understands this about me. I need someone who can pin me down and mean it.

Law of Attraction.

You know we've been here before.

I want it. I get it.

Sometimes I get certain things that I want faster than other things, but this is one where the universe didn't decide to hold back.

Friday and his girlfriend are DEEP into rape play, and he's allowed to get exceptionally rough with her.

Now he knows he can get just as rough with me.

Heaven.

I can't wait.

 - Honorable Mentions - Nothing new to report.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - Nothing new to report

End Notes:

Maybe meeting Friday is one of the reasons I'm feeling so much better?

Maybe it's the gaming, or how well the revisions are going.

Maybe it's a lot of things.

All I know is that my head is in a good place today and I’m not fighting it.

Tomorrow I'll probably be in hell again. But as far as PMS days go, this is definitely one of my better ones!