It's not going to break me...

I still teared up a little bit last night. But, It wasn't full blown 'cry myself to sleep' tears.

I guess I'm taking some comfort in knowing it's the medication that's making me feel like hell. *shrug* I mean, what fucking ever. I've been through so much worse and survived. This is barely a hell by comparison. Since when have I ever not been on point with my coping skills?

I got this.

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - Yesterday was my visit with Valkyrie, where I confirmed that it was the meds. I also learned some personal details about her that were kind of fun. :)  We talked a lot about how I feel about Bran right now. How I don't want to feel about Bran right now.

No Yarn Therapy yesterday.

Yesterday was also my meeting with my case worker, we made a Sam's Club run, I stocked up on some important things. Got home shortly before 5 pm, which is well into the shut down zone. So, I gamed until bedtime.

The gaming helps a lot. Seriously.

 - Writing - Chapter six got a healthy expansion yesterday!! A bit of 'grandfatherly advice' that's been handed down in his family for generations. Daniel receives this advice on how to win Jessa's heart. LOL, it totally backfires. She just closes up even more. I'm on point with the word count goal. Things are going well with the writing. I should hopefully get to at least read/review the chapter today (checking for flow) but I’m pretty sure that my scene/sequel worksheets are going to have to wait until tomorrow.

 - Sleep / Fitbit - It's important to note that I feel like I did better. I haven't even started drinking the second cup (it's cooling now) and I already feel alert. 8 hours, 1 minute, 3 times awake, 11 times restless. That's a few less restless than usual. So… yay.

 - Fur-babies - Dreamy almost cuddled yesterday, but I offended him by moving my leg to try and make him a comfortable place to lay down, so he left me. But then splotches jumped up. So, I still got my cat therapy in. That probably helped with the depression too.

Cat's man…

Natures finest anti-depressant.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - Pretty sure I can keep it to 3 today. The temptation is always there, because I’m an addict and I love the ritual of it. But, it's an expensive habit to maintain.

 - INR - Weekly blood sacrifice today, expect the report tomorrow.

 - Nervous System - Also expect an update on this tomorrow.

 - Inflammation - I WAS ABLE TO AFFORD TURMERIC!! I won't be running out any time soon! ( I might not have laundry quarters until next month, but hey… I'm doing what I can to mitigate all disasters on less than $100 a month)

 - Weight Management - Another thing I picked up yesterday: A zero calorie, stevia based sweetener. It's pretty expensive. 400 packets for about $14. But that should last me between 3 and 4 months. I've been using real sugar because I tried to justify that it was cheaper for me to use real sugar.

That's roughly six to eight teaspoons of pure sugar that I was ingesting every morning.

No wonder I gained ten pounds.

Hopefully this small, but expensive, change will help.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - I'm really trying here.

Listen.

Bran didn't do anything wrong by leaving me for work. Yes, his living with _her_ is a huge, ongoing issue that could have been avoided, but he's an idiot who hasn't figured out his exit strategy yet. The leaving, though. That couldn't be avoided. It was something that needed to happen and we both knew that it would give us the chance to start over when he came back.

My falling out of love with him may end up being the best thing for both of us.

Now we'll really be able to start over. And it will be honest and true.

I don't hate him.

It's just that he's been gone for too long and he didn't do a single thing that I asked him to do in order to keep me connected to him. So, without that connection, my heart just can't take the strain of loving him long distance anymore.

It's shutting down out of nothing more than pure survival.

I probably still love him, somewhere really deep down, but it's going to take some time to rebuild that love when he comes back. It's not going to be like when we first met. My love isn't going to be this overwhelming passion that just overcomes me and defies all logic.

It will happen slowly.

It's still true that I'll never fully trust him ever again.

But, I do believe that I can love him again.

 - The Unicorn - I wonder how much of her Ostara candy she'll share with Rain.  :)

Relationships / Sweeties:

[ If you're a reader and having trouble keeping the code named sweeties straight, look up above this entry and below the header. There's a link to a list of names/bio's there. - this is a work in progress, so if you're a sweetie and you don't see your name listed, don't worry, I'll get to you. ]

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new to report.

Sorry about this. I know some of you count on my blog for your daily dose of dick, but until I kick this depression it's going to be dick lite for a bit. Feel free to comment and let me know if you want me to put in a 'no dick' disclaimer at the top so you don't waste your time coming down this far.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - Blue Falcon - I'm seriously dreading asking him how his date went this past weekend. I just don't want to know that he can't give me the naked cuddles I'll need to survive the 3rd.

*sigh*

Fuck it.

If I don't hear from Rain that he can be there for me. I think I'll just take the 'platonic' hang out time. It would be a good test of how well I can handle something being purely platonic with a former sweetie.

Whatever.

I've been through worse, right?

 - Rain - I was really hurting last night. I texted Rain to let him know that his hugs are needed. He promised that I will get them on Sunday.

I’m really looking forward to seeing him.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers - Nothing new to report.

 - The Hopefuls - Nothing new to report.

 - Honorable Mentions - There was this one guy that I met on Fet. He came over and chit-chatted with me for about an hour or so. But, he was tired from a long week and not feeling like playing.

I guess he was super horny and he hit me up.

I pretty much told him that he could have me if he got me drunk enough to get passed my walls. He really wanted to argue around that. Telling me that I was 'selling myself short' by saying that alcohol was the only way to get close to me. What the hell is that supposed to mean? So, I responded and clarified. Alcohol is not the ONLY way, it's the EASIEST way. Right now I'm depressed as hell and my walls are up.

I was very lengthy and detailed in telling him that if he didn't get me drunk, he was liable to take on hours of me crying on his shoulder and likely to still not get laid.

His response: 'I hear ya'.

And that was it.

Conversation ended.

Whatever.

I'm pretty much thinking of blocking him.

Relationships / Former Sweeties:

 - Jasper - I'm thankful for his wisdom. But, other than that there's really nothing new to report. I was able to move on from Jasper. I'm fine with just being his friend now.

That's important you know?

This is the guy where sex was literally a religious experience.

I cried for days when I realized I was going to have to give up the sex. My death spiral was profound. I STILL haven't found anyone who can fuck me the way that he did. I probably never will.

And yet, I'm over him.

I move on.

End Notes:

I have to say that I'm really proud of myself right now. One thing the last six months worth of one night stands has taught me is the ability to move the fuck on. I let shit go now. I don't let my longings drag me down anymore. I'm acutely aware of my desirability and I know that there's another sweetie right around the corner.

All I have to do is suck it the fuck up and let him get close.

Yup.

I can do this.