Not sure about a lot today...

I think about Rain all the time.

This is normal for me.

My tortured mind likes to lock onto the one target that seems to be able to keep it out of the darkness.

Rain is my new lifeline.

This happened with the Dragon, with Gingersnap. Hell, it even happened with Jasper. One honorable mention in this regard would be Foxtrot.

It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm obsessed over that person. It just means that when I'm in a lot of pain, my mind will take any exit to get away from it. Right now that exit is Rain.

He makes me blissful when I'm with him.

I just love the sense of security I feel when he wraps his arms around me.

Also, a huge part of this is how effectively he squashes the holy mother-fuck out of my abandonment issues. He knows exactly how I feel about him and he still doesn't run away from me. He runs towards me.

I never knew how much I needed that in my life until Rain did that for me.

Right… so… onto the update:

Mental Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Therapy - I'm not really sure where I am with the therapy today. My mind seems fuzzy and unfocused. I'm tired. I don't know if it's just lack of sleep or not having fully woken up yet. I know these journals are supposed to help in the therapy sense, but I'm not sure how much help it is today. Emotionally I feel a bit off. It only seems to go away when I think about Rain.

 - Writing - Slow progress is better than no progress. I'm trying NOT to force myself to finish editing/revising a chapter a day. I'm just devoting a solid hour before I make sure I get other stuff done too. Some things are still getting skipped in the to-do list because I seem to be hitting 'brain melt' shutdown earlier than usual. Most of the time I feel like I can go until about 4-5 pm. But lately I've been shutting down about 2-3 pm.

Nevertheless, I’m getting somewhere.

 - Sleep - Again, I feel really tired today. But, I can't seem to get my fitbit to sync enough to tell me how much or how little sleep I got last night.

 - Fur-babies - I did get a visit and cuddles from Dreamy yesterday. I'm beginning to realize that he only wants to cuddle. He doesn't like me futzing with anything like my phone or remote controls when he's with me. He also doesn't like a whole lot of heavy petting. He likes some scritches around the head and neck, and he'll give kisses. But the full body pets are something that he doesn't seem to enjoy.

Physical Health / Unfuck Yourself:

 - Caffeine - It's going to be 4 today. Fuck off. Stop judging me.

Relationships / Family:

 - Bran - When I woke up this morning I *felt* how much I don't trust Bran anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I still love him and I will always love him. But, I'm feeling a distinct sense of 'disconnect' with him. Again, It could just be that I’m tired today. But I woke up not feeling myself in a good place with Bran.

The resentments are there, and they're getting ugly.

Oh… wait… I know what this is.

I'm still fucking ANGRY with him for having the nerve to say that he was still 'worried' about me when he was busy focusing all his attention on _her_. He pretty much took 2016 off from our relationship and if he says he didn't then he's fucking delusional.

As far as 'time span' for our relationship, I'm still counting 2016 as a year that we were together. But in terms of emotional connection, he was fucking gone that whole time.

So, I'll never trust him again. I know that much.

I will love him and I will let him love me. But, deep down I know just how done I am with him.

*shrug* maybe I'll get it back… I don't know…

Deep down I also know that he was just as much of a victim as I was. Deep down that forgiveness IS there. But the trust? 

No way.

Relationships / Sweeties:

 - Recent Encounters - Nothing new here.

 - Updates on Favorites -

 - The Blue Falcon - I tapped into the Blue Falcon yesterday. He responded back and asked how I was doing. I told him that I was okay, but a little bored and lonely (which was very true).

I was missing Rain.

But, I was also forcing myself to NOT forget that the Blue Falcon is a favorite sweetie too. The Blue Falcon is just as capable of chasing away my darker moods. So, I reminded myself of that and I reached out to him.

*smile*

We have a date on Wednesday.

This gives me a happy.

 - Rain - I _really_ think I've been taking it too far with Rain lately. It seems as if I'm CONSTANTLY tapping in via text and expecting the same levels of response I was getting while he was out of the cities. I seem to be FORGETTING that he has a job and he needs to focus on work.

I really need to work on reining it in with Rain.

I'm going to see if I can go a whole day waiting for him to tap in with me first.

Relationships / Potentials and Honorable Mentions:

 - The One Timers -

 - Cookie - We still tap in with each other. Nearly every day. It's brief and fleeting, but it's enough for me to know that he's still there and he's not going away.

It's really fucked up that I feel more secure with Cookie than I do with Bran. Just sayin'.

 - The One Who Ran Away - Oh yeah! Remember this kid? The one who panicked and 'noped' out while I was in the bathroom? Yeah, I got a very short apology from him on OKC the other day. He asked if I could forgive him and I wrote back and told him that there was nothing to forgive because he'd done nothing wrong. I told him that I was just happy knowing he was okay.

I haven't heard back from him, so I still don't know what the deal was, but I'm okay with that.

 - The Hopefuls - I feel like there should be an update here. But no strong emotions towards anyone new are coming to mind. This MAY be my brain focusing too hard on Rain. Not sure.

Relationships / Heart Breakers:

 - Jasper - So, against my better judgement (and my anger of sorts) I tapped in with Jasper yesterday.

I reminded him that I’m still here, and that I'll always be here for him. But, I also said "I know you won't tap in because you feel like you're being a bother".

I told him that I was calling bullshit on that, and to ping me if he needed me.

He did check in last night, and it was a good talk. He's having his doubts over whether or not he's doing the right thing for him and his family and I did my best to help him work through it.

I still feel he's doing the right thing. But, I feel that he's wavering on his ability to be resilient in the face of this kind of adversary. I tried to form some sort of tip on how he could regain/build some resiliency, but I admitted that my feedback was going to be limited because we're different people in that regard. Sex for him is more harm than good, whereas with me it's the one thing that I thrive the most on.

I did suggest he seek professional help.

He said he already knows he needs it, and then he apologized again for unloading on me. He also said that talking to me DOES help him and he's hoping to make the trip to see me soon.

I told him that my one purpose is to be there for him to unload on.

I also told him that I'll never give up on him.

Yeah!

I said it!

I wasn't just THINKING it at him.

I fucking SAID something.

This is why I haven't been using my dialog-journals or Ghost Stories lately.

When it comes to Jasper I don't really feel like I have to hold back and 'wish' for an in-person conversation to say things.

So, this makes twice now.

The first being when I told him that sex with him was literally a religious experience.

The second being when I told him that I'll never give up on him.

So… now there's only ONE thing left, but I'm still on the fence over whether or not I'll tell him. I know it will HURT him if I say it, and I don't want that. But, I also feel that Jasper deserves the truth if the topic comes up.

I don't know yet.

I don't know if I'll tell him that I cried for days when I realized sex needed to be off the table for us.

I don't know if I'll tell him that it fucked me up for weeks and triggered another death spiral.

I feel like he deserves the truth.

But, I don't feel like he needs the pain of knowing that he hurt/disappointed me.

So, yeah.

This is me not knowing things.