Woke up to a note
from Rain this morning.
It scared the hell
out of me at first.
I thought it was
goodbye, and that would have been bad. But it wasn't, so I think we're mostly
okay. I'll give you the details in his section.
--
See,
Here's the thing.
The worst thing that
could ever happen to me has already happened, and I’m still here.
Set broke me so hard
that my mind literally shattered. Including me, the person typing this, there
are six people stomping around in my skull. The others rarely come to the
surface, but I hear their voices sometimes. I'm lucky that they're so loving.
But, that's beside the point.
Even the things I
went through last year with Bran and _her_ weren't as bad.
Yes, I broke.
Yes, I broke HARD.
Yes, I was still
left rebuilding my mind from nothing, again.
But the process,
even though it was the most painful thing I'd ever endured, took less time than
it did with Set.
I'm actively STILL
in recovery from what Set did to me.
Granted, I'm still
in recovery over what happened last year too.
Lots of recovery.
And, also lots of
barely surviving what I’m going through with Bran right now.
There are details
that I can't get into yet. Not while _she_ is still floating around, brushing
the edges of my sphere.
--
The point is.
I've been hurt
before.
So, it doesn't
matter what Rain throws at me.
I know I can take
it.
It might hurt like
hell, especially if he leaves me when I still need him. But, I know I can
survive anything.
If I can survive
Bran leaving me. Both his emotional abandonment because of _her_ and his
physical abandonment because of work… If I can move on after Bran.
Fuck.
I can move on after
anyone.
--
I digress…
Mental Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Therapy -
Nothing new to report.
- Writing - Hopefully
on Chapter 4 some more (the Unicorn is still with me, so it might be
Buffy/Angel instead)
- Sleep /
Fitbit - Last night was rough because the Unicorn is sick. Still 7 hours
and 51 minutes, 4x awake, 19x restless. Which is better than what I'd expected.
- Fur-babies -
No visits yesterday. Most likely due to us being gone most of the day.
Physical Health / Unfuck
Yourself:
- Caffeine - See
above, RE - 4x awake, 19x restless. So, it's going to be 4 today and you
totally can't judge me for it.
Relationships / Family:
- Bran - I
tried calling him last night. The Unicorn had accidentally deleted a very
important picture off her iPhone. She asked me if there was a way to recover
it. I don't know, because iAnything gives me the heebie jeebies. (you can than
Set for that negative association).
So, I tried to call
him.
He didn't answer.
He never even called
or messaged me to ask what was up.
One way or another.
It was because of _her_ that he couldn't talk to me.
Someday I might tell
you what happened there and why she's still around. But, that time isn't now.
- The Unicorn -
She got really sick last night.
She knew she was
coming down with something on Saturday. But, I think all that time running
around outside with the Blue Falcon made it so much worse. She was coughing a
lot. So, I brought her a cough drop. Next thing I know she's puking her guts up
on the living room carpet.
I haven't had to
clean up her vomit since she was in diapers. It was an experience.
Bedtime was
particularly harsh on both of us. She was coughing so hard that it kept her
awake and she was getting really frustrated. I was able to talk her into taking
some night time cold medicine. It seems to have helped. She's still asleep now,
anyway.
I hope she heals
fast.
I hate it when she's
sick.
She doesn't have
school today or tomorrow, so she's staying with me extra days!! YAY!!
Relationships / Sweeties:
- Recent
Encounters - Nothing new to report. - Had it not been for snow and 'no school'
there might have been a Blue Falcon update. But, that will come on Thursday.
- Updates on
Favorites -
BUT! I want to be
100% clear that it's ALL PTSD. Everything that weirds me out about the Blue
Falcon is a direct result of what JerkDad put me through for four long years.
So,
Point One = he paid
for our lunch yesterday. Even going the extra bit to order the appetizer for us
to share.
Point Two = he
donated 10 dollars to the zoo yesterday. Also paid his own money to buy the
Unicorn a zoo souvenir. AND he bought her some Easter candy too. Not to mention
tissues and some vitamin-c supplement (for him, but he tried REALLY hard to get
her to drink it too)
Point Three = I let
it slip that I was planning on going Ostara shopping on the 15th. I clarified
later (via message so the Unicorn couldn't hear).
The Blue Falcon
didn't even skip a beat.
He was totally all,
"I'll take you to the bank and take you shopping." - just like it
meant nothing to him to take time away from play time for us to get some of my
random adulting done.
Granted, yes, he's
USED to being a chauffeur. He does it for all his friends and truly doesn't
mind. But, it still weirds me out.
He even said
something to the point of him being a reliable source of a 'ride' for me. I
told him what an ordeal it had been to get to the pharmacy when I had my ear
infection and he just said, "Well, now you have a reliable person who will
give you a ride."
GAH!
What the hell?!
I can't rely on
anyone!
People fucking
leave. They leave all the time. Or in Bestie's case, they trip over dogs, break
their feet, and can't drive for six weeks. It's balls out stupid for me to rely
on anyone but me.
But, there you have
it.
The Blue Falcon is
nothing if not stable. And he's so damn Lawful Good that he'd probably be
insulted if I didn't
call him for a ride if I really needed one.
*sigh* It's a lot to
process.
SO… In my last entry
I promised introspection.
My favorite part of
yesterday was just how much the Blue Falcon interacted with the Unicorn. She
told me they even raced each other when they went back to get her souvenir.
That's it. I mean, yeah, it's a lot. Especially for me. He's the only person
who not only a) didn't reject her, but also b) made it a personal goal to win
her friendship.
Like I said. Even
Bran rejected her at first. And yes, he had his reasons. I forgave him even
though he really hurt me.
But, the Blue
Falcon. He just accepts her.
All of her.
It's really special
to see someone making an effort to bond with her.
I love him for that.
- Rain -
*facepalm*
Okay.
I'm not going to
copy/paste the message that I woke up to this morning. What Rain said to me was
private and for my eyes only. I will, however, tell you that he told me he'd
read my blog and he agrees with the Blue Falcon's cautions regarding him.
Queue the gut
wrenching anxiety.
At first I thought
Rain was saying goodbye. It took me a bit to calm the fuck down and re-read the
note. He wasn't saying goodbye. But he was agreeing with the Blue Falcon.
Part of me feels
compelled to start filtering these entries.
Part of me can't
stand the thought of Rain knowing how I really feel about him.
And then the other
part of me tells the first part to shut the fuck up and remember that Rain
himself said it was nice to feel wanted and needed. He might even read these
entries because he actually likes feeling wanted/needed, and he knows I won't
hold back here like I do when we're chatting or in person. All those things
that I can't say out loud… I think they're things he needs to hear. So, he
comes here to get that from me because this is the only place where I don' t
hide behind any masks at all.
(still scary)
I want to continue
moving forward with Rain.
Yes, he's super
young!! There's a 25-year age difference between us. Granted, he's
exceptionally mature for someone so young. But, the reality is, he's just
starting out in life. He's got a long way to go and large portions of that way
is sure to be less than comfortable.
He's already done at
least one walk through the underworld. But, we all know that people like us.
Empaths and healers especially. We make that walk dozens of times in our
lifetimes and it fucking hurts every fucking time.
He's got a long way
to go.
My sincere hope is
just that he'll let me walk next to him on that path. I'm sure he'll be tempted
to push me away, the same way I keep feeling tempted to push him away.
I think both of us
need to shut the fuck up and trust each other on that one.
--
Truth is. I need to
love someone right now.
I really do.
I don't really even
need that person to love me back. I never do. My love is unconditional.
But… and gods this
hurts to admit… I really just need someone to not panic and run away if I tell
him that I love him. I just need someone to accept my love and let it happen. I
just need someone to not hold me at arms length or flat out push me away.
This thing with Bran
right now.
It hurts more than I
have words the words to express.
Loving Rain takes my
mind off the pain.
Loving Rain gives me
the strength I need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
He's not the first,
and he won't be the last. This was the Dragon. This was Gingersnap. Hell, this
was even Mahaugany for a bit. Oh yeah, I guess Jasper really counts in there
too, doesn't he?
The difference is
that the Dragon and Gingersnap never came back to see me a second time. And
Mahaugany never even made it to me for a first time. Jasper is his own special
snowflake of added abandonment and pain. But, we won't get into that.
Rain has survived
the second date and is actively working making it out to a third.
He's promised me,
over and over again, that I'm not scaring him away and that as needy and as
clingy as I get, he's dated worse.
--
The Blue Falcon was
the one who put it in perspective.
Now, he was talking
about HIMSELF when he said it, but it applies to Rain too:
The Blue Falcon is
aware of my line of Cougar/cubs that stretches around the block. He's aware
that I experience a lot of one night stands. And that's all well and good and
he doesn't judge me for it. But, he says I really need someone who is both
stable and reliable. Someone who will come back and not always leave me to walk
my own underworld alone.
Things hurt right
now.
I need
stable/reliable people.
Favorites are
favorites for a reason.
I need both the Blue
Falcon and Rain right now.
I'd get through this
without them. But, damn… it's really nice to hurt so much less when I have them
there for me.
Relationships / Potentials
and Honorable Mentions:
- The One
Timers - Nothing new to report.
- The Hopefuls
- Nothing new to report.
Relationships / Former
Sweeties:
- Jasper -
Nothing new to report.
End Notes:
I cried my eyes out
writing all of this.
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